Awakening After 50
Reshaping My Sense of Self and Purpose through Defining and Living by Core Values
by Gillian Cluff
If you had told me at 45 how much my life would change at 50 I would have found it hard to believe. I started peri-menopause sometime in my late 40s, and it lasted several years. My husband saw I was going through a difficult time, and he thoughtfully bought me the book, Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom by Dr. Christiane Northrup. In the introduction, Northrup says that when we go through menopause, something she calls “the veil of estrogen”--which has made us such good caretakers of others--lifts, and we find ourselves looking in the mirror and noticing ourselves. Maybe for the first time, we ask, “Who is this woman?” That’s more or less how it happened for me. I didn’t read any further in the book; I had gotten what I needed, and that one nugget of wisdom was the spark for all that was to come in my life.
I at last faced the reality that I had long felt unsatisfied in my marriage. Though I loved my husband and we had a long friendship, it had been years since I felt any spark between us. Two months after my 50th birthday, I left my husband, partner, and friend of over 30 years and struck out on my own. I had no money and a distorted impression of my career and financial prospects. The six and a half years that followed that day have been a time of peripatetic wandering and self-discovery. I have not achieved financial independence or bought my own house. I haven’t even managed to create a stable and sustaining career. But the gifts I’ve received in this time far outweigh any material measure of success. I’ve experienced a spiritual awakening in multiple stages, which started with exploring what brings me joy, and has evolved into an entire system of values that guide how I evolve personally and live with others in the world.
A key piece of this personal evolution has been the gift of Nancy Candea’s Core Values, expressed in her book, PRESENT: The Art of Living Boldly in the Second Half of Life, which have helped me to organize and clarify a way of living that is intentional and personal to me.
Here are my six Core Values, each of which consists of a word or phrase followed by a defining statement. Since I already understand what my defining statements mean, I’ll also expand a bit for the reader’s clarity and understanding. The overarching theme of my values is personal betterment and contribution to the betterment of others and society.
#1: Connection to Spirit
I cultivate my relationship to Divine Spirit through meditation, walking in nature, tuning in to and developing my intuition, raising my energetic frequency, being attentive to guidance in all forms, and living in accord with that guidance in everything.
Everything else in my life flows from this first value. Without it, I would be unmoored. I would not be the person I am today. If you had asked me fifteen years ago about my relationship with the Divine I would have looked at you blankly and maybe said that I didn’t think there was such a thing. As I develop my intuition, I find I am more discerning about people and situations that
aren’t a fit for me. As I allow myself to be guided, people and opportunities that serve my highest good are drawn to me, and I to them.
Part of my connection to Spirit comes through daily gratitude. No matter what is going on in my life, no matter how difficult things are, I look for ways to be grateful, which helps me to reconnect with my spirit’s divine essence.
#2 Self-love and Self-care
I honor myself-- body, mind and spirit--through seeking joy and laughter daily, seeking out connections with likeminded friends and colleagues, nourishing my body and my curiosity, making time for exercise, getting the rest I need, positive self-talk, and setting healthy boundaries with others.
I’ll be honest: I struggle with healthy eating and getting enough exercise. But it’s always present in my mind, even when I’m eating something I shouldn’t or not getting all the exercise I should. And sometimes, when I’m feeling guided to rest, I ease off on the pressure to move my body as much and instead do a gentle practice like basic yoga and qi gong.
Self-Love includes self-loyalty: Heeding the voice of discomfort in a situation—be it a tedious date, an uncomfortable social gathering, or a work collaboration—can be challenging, but if you ignore it, you are prioritizing other people’s comfort above your own.
A word about worthiness: I am as worthy of happiness as everyone else, and each person’s own happiness, health and wellbeing should be their number one priority.
Boundaries are healthy and essential—for myself, for my children, and for all the others in my life. I could write a “how-to” pamphlet on how establishing clear boundaries allowed my ex and myself to separate and then divorce not just amicably, but lovingly and respectfully, and segue into a chapter of deepening friendship.
#3 Authenticity
I live and present myself in the world in a way that honors my beliefs, core values, and personal choices.
I aim for authenticity in word and action. My third core value keeps me honest and true to myself. At times I ask, “Am I being authentically myself? Is what I’m saying and doing aligned with how I feel inside?” If I feel out of sync, I ask myself what I need to do in order to change the situation and become more authentic. If there is a person I can’t be my authentic self with for fear of judgment, and there is no hope for arriving at an understanding through communicating my needs or concerns, then they very well might need to fall away.
Additionally, if I say I value equality and social justice (see #4 Lovingkindness), then if I am to be authentic and true to my values, I need to show up for others and speak out in the face of discrimination.
#4 Lovingkindness
My interactions with others are guided by lovingkindness and compassion.
This one is a work in progress and can be a challenge for me. When my interactions with others come up against values #2 and 3, Self-love and Authenticity, my habit is to fall back on sharpness or brusqueness in my manner or tone. I am working on letting go of people and their words and actions with lovingkindness, remembering that we each have our own path to walk, and it’s not my place to judge another’s words and behavior. When I create a boundary necessary to respect myself, I don’t need to be unkind about it. I can wish everyone well, regardless of what they have said or done. It takes work, but just as Authenticity holds me accountable to myself, Lovingkindness holds me accountable for how I show up for others in the world.
For me, lovingkindness and authenticity connect in my support for causes that further social justice, equality, and equal access to resources we all need to live a good life, like healthy food, clean water, safe and affordable housing, and opportunities for work to support our livelihood. No one is superior to anyone else, no matter how much money or power they have. Lovingkindness and equality go hand in hand.
#5 Thoughtful Speech
I think before I speak and endeavor to listen more than I speak. I consider how what I wish to contribute might be received and whether it is welcome before offering it. I avoid speaking from raw emotion and give myself a chance to step back into a clear space before responding.
I crafted this value in direct response to my former ways of communicating. When I was younger, I often communicated when the time wasn’t right for someone to hear me, simply because I had something in mind at the moment and didn’t want to forget it. Now, I file those comments or topics of discussion away for a time when they will be welcome—or forever if they should remain unwelcome. I let go of needing to be heard all the time. I try not to think about what I’m going to say next and listen intently to what is being communicated. I take my time in responding to text messages or emails that spark an emotional reaction. This practice has resulted in far less regret for words spoken in the heat of the moment that I can’t take back. This pausing helps me to show up in the world as the kind of person I WANT to be, rather than the person I previously thought I was.
#6 Contribution and Meaning
The work I do has to have meaning. It must improve the world in some way. I value and support my own creativity and the creativity of others, my own betterment and the betterment of others and the world.
When it comes to my job and career, if I am doing work I feel doesn’t matter, I am incapable of feeling joyful and alive. I feel deadened and sucked dry. So doing work that matters serves me
personally as much as it serves the world.
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If I hadn’t taken that first step away from a life that no longer served me, I’m not sure I would have found my way to the way I live now. I had to find the courage to take that step into the unknown in order to begin to grow into the person I am meant to become, live the life I am meant to live, and develop my gifts in service to others.
Growing older takes a bit of work and commitment, but I’ve found that defining those values that are unshakable and central for me has helped me to shape the life I’m stepping into and move forward with integrity and a commitment to the things that matter to me and give my life meaning and purpose.
"Gillian Culff is a writer whose articles and narratives have been anthologized and published in magazines with national (US) and international circulation. She's also a writing and personal development coach and teaches classes utilizing writing exercises to explore the fears that hold us back from making big life changes. Gillian’s not hung up on her age and, since turning 50, has embarked on an adventurous new chapter in her life. She’d love to help you do the same. You can find her at https://gillianculff.com."